using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
