My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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