She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
