Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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