I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
