my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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