Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize