We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
