Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
