Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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