at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
