He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
