the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
