He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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