She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
