She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I supernannyed him into submission
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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