It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
