Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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