I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
