He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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