i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize