My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
