it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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