i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize