I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
