i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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