Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Be still, my beating vagina.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
