do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
