i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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