he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
