I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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