So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
