But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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