Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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