he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
