you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
