i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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