Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
