Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
whose parrot is this?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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