Can Purell be used as lube?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
