my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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