i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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