I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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