Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
