Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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