This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
