So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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