boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
