i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize