i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
