last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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