i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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