then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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