you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
