i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
