WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
