How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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