Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
